Hey guys...have you ever had the feeling that everyone around you has no idea waht it is you are trying to comprehend and need so much help with all the time???
Tonight I had the worst night in the darkroom that I have ever experienced. It was the like the entire universe was not allowing me to develop film let alone print photographs. I am meeting with my professor tomorrow with nothing new to show him. We are only 3 frikin wees from the rez, shouldnt I be focusing on gathering pieces to hang and not making new work???
I realized tonight that we can never be forced to make what we make, it only comes on our time and no one elses. Maybe that is whats so hard about being in this program. We are artists, this is not our job, we just can not produce when asked. It is part of ourselves.
I was so upset in the darkroom I actually puked in my mouth a little, no joke. Am I freaking out for no reason??
I hate working and trying to deal with the normal day to day and also attempt to be fully conscience in our VCFA work.
I have been trying to lean on my freinds, my family and my boyfreind and none of this is succesful. None of them understand why I just cant calm down. They all say. "its not a big deal, you are doing great, everything is fine." I think I poop those words right out before they are even said. CRAP I tell you, its crap!
Tonight I have to go through my work and edit down in order to prepare for the hanging when we get to the rez. My boyfreind Jason sais he would help me. I feel I have no one to be a critical eye and help me out in the midst of all this. Instead of helping, he went to the bar to have a beer. So I am sitting here in my kitchen and all I can think of is each and everyone of you. So far away and me so desperate for a helpful voice.
I have never been so tired in my life, but I keep going. It is the love of the art. But where does this frustration come from and how am I supposed to manage it. Even at work...all the gals talk about normal things, day to day things. I dont even now what those things are when I am reading some frikin theories on stereotyping and the history of our racial cultures and how that pertians to the choices we make now twords other people.
I have things I need to do in front of me in order to be prepared for the rez but right now everything is a dizzy blur.
A whole year left...
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Dear Diana,
ReplyDeletePlease believe me when I say you are not alone. I have been conflicted
from the beginning about "producing on demand" for the program when I
have been so used to working alone and at my own pace for so many
years. It was a tough pill for me to swallow last semester.
Yes, it's true that we have to follow our instincts and own clock when
making work but- there is something valuable in being able to think
about the process of making art as something that is a bit urgent and
serious- not to be undertaken when we feel like it, or as the "spirit
" moves - frankly that spirit thing has failed me and passed me by!
I am meeting with my AT this Friday and I'm not sure if I will have
anything new to show him.
I can't force it and neither should you try to. You are a serious,
dedicated artist- not a thoughtless machine. You're AT does not live
in your skin- If you feel you are done- you are done- However, if you
go into the dark room and fool around, try something else - present it
as just that- He's not the boss of you!
It is hard to adjust our school personalities and realities to our
real life/partner family personalities...
I would love and be honored to share work with you before the
residency if you want to get together for mutual feed back. Let me
know.
A whole year left. Let's get together.
I'm thinking of you as we both wretch!
Love,
Sumru
PS this is for all of us- whoever wants to get together to share ideas, work, pain- let's do it either in person or on line.
Carrie, I am thinking of you as well- Don't be doubting! We all feel that shit- that voice that says- "You SUCK"
You keep going, we keep going 'cause either we are stupid or we can't not do what we do.
Love,
Sumru
I was just having an episode last night where I was trying to explain to Dave why I'm so freaked out and full of anxiety all the time.
ReplyDeleteDiana, you know you can call when you think you might lose it. I find it's nice just to HEAR a voice that knows exactly what you're going through. Even if it's only once or twice a semester.
Guys, yes, another confused artist out there feels your pain. I am right there when it comes to overanalyzing myself, in art and in the world, and I hear that voice telling me that I will fail, all the time. My wife is helpful but can't totally understand what I am feeling because it's not always rational or easily expressed. I think that we are all artists because our brains work in a way that doesn't fit into "normal" social or academic schemes. This program is great because it allows us to really move at our own speed (until we wait until last minute and freek out), but the one major piece missing is that we feel so isolated in our process. We go to work, have friends and families, but not a group of other artists who are in the same boat to keep eachother inspired and motivated. I think it would be great to get together and give eachother feedback. Lets get a plan together at the rez for hookin up and hangin out talkin about what we are up to. Hold tight, we're almost there. Good luck, looking forward to seeing you all and your awesome work! (P.S. I have nothing new as well!)
ReplyDelete